i am back.

now that i've access to the internet and a machine to write from again, the biggest impossibilities to blogging have been cleared.

plus i am settling into my new work, so i no longer feel creatively dehydrated at the end of a work day - doing this ideas thing 12x6 leaves me mentally exhausted though i love such work.

and most importantly, i have been hearing such a lot of privileged trash talk that is making me hopping mad.

i am back. see you very, very soon.

note to self?

this morning we were discussing you, my place to scribble where i talk to myself and check if i can word some things, let off steam, think aloud.

he spoke of you with finality, though it was i who said that you were dead. but thats untrue. i haven't run out of things to say. i merely haven't yet safely negotiated a space to talk from. - now that there is another person who would be affected by what i say here, and affected moreover in a more direct way than my family would be, i need to be very sure before speaking. he says he wouldn't mind, but is that a chance i can take? i tend to think not.

i also need to rethink and see what i'll put under the cause of "openness and community building" and what i'll put under "private and personal". there are so many new things in my life now, and a different range of experiences. it's taking time to think through them all thoroughly. also, i never wanted you to be a journal sort of thing, being a mostly an impassive person in love with theory. but the way life is turning out, since this marriage thing, i have no time beyond office work and house work. i rarely meet people. yet there is much "happening". so it will turn out somewhat like a journal i suppose, if i do write.

there are some very big things for which if i look around to read and know what other women have done, faced, handled, i don't see indians. i want to know for my community. my group. there is too much that is too different from white women's lives. so for now i look through journal publications, but i keep wondering if there is an indian housewife - living in india - who writes a feminist blog. i would like very much to know what the hell is happening in our lives and how common some things are, what women do...

some day, i'll put down those things i've been thinking to myself, to my women friends and to him. until then, be patient. i haven't abandoned you. i think of you often, especially when we've managed to work something good out peacefully. or when i realise another thing about the institution of marriage, my perception of roles of husbands and wives, my family, my mother's support, my sister's perspective, housework, representation, the home, fights, peace, sex... i have needed and drawn on feminism, gender and counselling experiences more than i ever dreamt i would. i don't think my marriage is very representative in that sense, but that could also be untrue: i don't know what is happening in other women's lives. more than i ever, i deeply miss a strong, brown feminist community.

delirium and other stories

i don't know about you folks, but i go totally batshit crazy when i have fever. i start thinking verrry carefully - you know, squinting mentally and really trying hard to be logical - and coming to absolutely ridiculous conclusions. its like being soo close to your needle when you're threading it, that you've your tongue out with concentration and you're breathing heavily and all...but then you finally miss whatever it is.

yesterday my fever went up another notch. it showed. our geyser doesn't work. because of lack of time, inclination and money, rather than change it we just use an immersion rod. so my husband rigged that up in the bedroom (the loo doesnt have a big enough plug point), and went out of the room to see to dinner. i sat there in semi darkness, gravely considering the bucket.

hmm. now i have two options - i must think carefully - should i bathe here or use the bathroom. if its the bathroom, i'm too weak to carry that bucket into the bathroom. maybe i should just bathe in the bedroom. but it'll get so wet .. and all that froth of soap on the floor, tsk... i certainly wont have the energy to ....WHAT?! i'm seriously considering bathing in the bedroom?!

it was my compulsive tendency to do automatic Cleaning Required Assessment that saved me. so, having successfully handled that one, i bathed (in the bathroom) and came out feeling much better. oh yeah - a hot water bath with salt is great for colds! an hour later i thought i'd inhale some steam to clear my nose again. i carefully think about it, put the vaal pathram on the stove and am about to light it. something seems a little different. after 2 minutes... ah. water. i had forgotten to fill water in the vessel.

after which brilliance my husband firmly ordered me to bed and to ask for help with anything. sigh. i need to get well soon!

oh yeah... and since fever helps me randomly remember stuff, i just remembered something that happened about a month back. the husband and i were driving to work, and as we turned into the wee road where our office is, there was a guy merrily unzipping to piddle on a wall. usually, my tendency is to think "MEN! *$%&#!!" and just give up, but that day i lowered the window and yelled. the golden words were "dont be disgusting! - stop pissing on the road and find yourself a bathroom." and what do you know, he nearly blushed, zipped up and mumbled a "saary madam" and scuttled away.

so what do you know, it works!



oh yeah... one of you wish me some hot soup, huh? :)

sex and PG

through college, i kept talking to women who would sooner tell their parents they were going to jail for eternity, than that they had a boyfriend. parents were - and i think for the most part, still are - generally considered a cross between gorgons and medieval purists.

this is for them (the women!) and because this troubles me:

(before my mildly delayed honeymoon)
m : ma, i kept saying i wanted to go to the gynaecologist before we left for () no? i went in the evening.
ma: ah okay. good.
m : i wanted to go because whenever we had intercourse it hurt a lot for me, and i've heard that some women have this extra thick hymen and stuff, so i just wanted to check with the doctor.
ma : oh...
m: and she said i was normal only, but that it would pain the first times anyway. and that i had to remember to keep my hips down
ma : and relax. thats the main thing. she would've given that lubic gel no? its a lubricating gel, so it helps to reduce the pain.
m :yeah.. she said i was getting very tensed. i'm scared of pain ma!
ma: dont worry... the first few times are painful, but not killing! it's very sensitive in the beginning because you're not used to it no.
m: i felt a little awkward about discussing it with you..so i went to the gynaec first. but this is so nice ma, to be able to talk so comfortably!
ma: yeah, see, i'm not the kind who would bring up the topic... but if you ask me it's not like i feel embarassed to discuss it or something. i assumed everything was fine because you didn't say anything earlier. :)
did you have time to pick up the gel? shall i get it for you?


lingerie tends to make my feminist skin itch. a lot of the designs and patterns of stuff you see seems a little objectifying and not quite merely only about harmless frilly stuff. but i'm not getting into that right now. what i did want to share, was this conversation with my father:

pa: listen, why don't you buy something nice? do you have everything you want? i'll take you to any shop you want to go to. have a nice time... this is very special. sure you'll have sex a million times again, but you'll always look back and remember the first time.
and keep an open mind okay? both of you will keep hesitating and feeling awkward, so reacting strongly may make him think he's horrified you, or you him. did you buy condoms? don't get pregnant as yet. get used to each other first.


before someone dismisses these as memoirs of a freaky family, let me assure you that my parents had set rules for me which were as strict (or sometimes a little more so) as those set for other kids. i had a 10 o clock curfew for getting home up to when i got married. i have never been to a night show. i have never been to a discotheque. until i was 22 i didn't drink alcohol unless my parents were present. contrary to possible expectations, it wasn't an awfully oppressed life! save the curfew, the other two didn't bother me. there were things that i did wish for more freedom in, but honestly, for this kind of support and relationship.... it was all totally worth it!

oh joyous, joyous day!

hello.

what have you all been up to? i've been scrubbing, cleaning, washing, ironing, unpacking, sweeping and swabbing. and for relief, i've also been painting and decorating. and making up silly happy songs to sing to myself:

hip hip and hurray, i've got me a plumber to fix me drains -
out with the slime, the grime and the guck,
out with the filth that leaves me drains stuck!
hip hip and hurray, i asked the watchman (i used me brains)
to find me the plumber to clear me drains.

yes, the blasted plumbing has also been fixed as of 7 am today. all i need now is to find me a nice, honest maid to help me with the housework, and yaay. life vill be bliss, ya?

kindly excuse until then.

by the way, do any of you know any nice recipe sites? i am looking for nice vegetarian recipes that are ... you know, call-people-for-dinner-worthy. i don't like the whipped cream type stuff. i'm turning up absolute tripe in my searches so far.

*leaves, singing stupid jingle*

cubicle conversations

friday afternoon entertainment:

we come to know that a couple at work is going to be married (to each other) shortly. it's common knowledge also, that they commute to and from work together. it's lunch break and people are eating in little huddles. a colleague (call him Z) stops by the cubicle where pair who are to be wed are lunching, and starts what he fondly imagines to be a polite conversation.

Z to woman : what is this! so selfish... you never cook for him. you bring lunch only for yourself.

woman (unflapped) : why Z, what is your problem? first do you know that we're only engaged and we're not married, we don't live together yet?

Z: so what! you come together to work no? or you can bring from home for him also no?

woman: he likes this food - and it upsets only my stomach. do you know he comes by my house in the morning and has breakfast at home?

man (startled and hopping mad by now) : and hang on, what makes you think she has to cook for me?

Z: very bad. this is not how a wife should be. you know, both my brothers-in-law can cook. they cook coffee, they cook lots of other things. but i cant. so my wife keeps comparing. whenever she says anything i just say "look at them. they are married to very bad wives, so they have to cook. you are a wonderful wife". and then she feels very happy, so i say "ah good, make something nice for me today".

(turns to man)

you know why they call her a "wife"? to rhyme with "knife". because they are like that.

man (thoroughly disgusted by now) : really? do you know there's something called "animal husbandry"?

Z crawled away, a silenced and thoroughly confused man. i mean, this wasn't how the male-bonding script went, right? alas for poor Z. running into a deconditioned man must've been such a rude shock! :))

we (minus Z, of course!) had a quick conversation after that, discussing the incident. i wouldn't attribute that degree of deliberate sexism to Z. even if he were that sexist, i think it was more about a couple of people interacting because they had to share a common public space. it was (meant to be) pc. he was, i think, just being another random member of society, socialising and bonding with another man in the way he knew how.

the dominant culture has made "oh man, you're dead now! you too got suckered, huh?" and "hah! you're in chains too now!" sort of remarks the "acceptable" way for men to socialise. it's pretty telling that it's not considered the appropriate thing to say to women. at least i have never heard a woman's announcement that she's getting married being greeted with a "welcome to the chains!". probably has too true a ring to it?! and of course, acquiring a man is always a good thing. he's premium in society after all.

it just so happens that that is what society has put in the public "neutral" space. i personally think it makes sense for women to crucify the social dictates and social authorities that make this appropriate, rather than random, unthinking idiots like Z. otherwise there are just too many battles to fight, and it may get impossible to do much.

i fully approve of the man's withering rejoinder though! - it's so nice to see a guy calling out sexism.

how i spent the last one hour

thank god for cell phones. before i got one and discovered sms-ing, i used to mutter all this to myself, causing fellow shoppers and shop assistants to shoot me anxious looks and step carefully a few feet away from me.

"yes. phone recharged. am trying to pick up a simple lip balm. its turning out to be a consumerist nightmare! do i want glowing skin along the way? glossy hair as opposed to thick hair? red pouty lips or shimmering ones? sheesh. they really bombard you."

"how the hell do the staff work here without going broke or developing a massive complex?!"

"a lip balm no longer exists. i dont wanna look like a goldfish a sequin party!! :-("

"YESSS! ive gone one better than beholding god .... ive found a balm that doesnt shine or pump me with vitamins. but its aggressively strawberry. sigh"

(and they ask me why i don't use make-up... )

"our triumphant hero reaches mother ship. and examines now famous lips in mirror. hardly shows. firmly squashes self from wondering if maybe the other stuff was better. chastises self as being a Prime Sucker for marketing."

"thinks of argument with self along lines of 'you dont buy a butt wash seperately so waddaya want a face wash for?!' feels less of a Sucker."

(die vile fiends!)

happy noo yeer

no i'm not drunk, i've just been clicking through the rajasthan forestry department site.

they show you dazzling pictures of the animals you can see in the forests of rajasthan. the gallery starts the list with a breathless "tiger"-"tiger"-"tiger" and then charms you with these:

hoopoo
spotted dear
sloth beer*
flying squirals

*would the drunken bums we'll see collapsed on the roads today count as sloth beers? :D

the site is evidently also very aware of the plight of people who find wild animals parading in their house. if you go through the "FAQ's" section you can almost see them standing beside the distraught residents and wringing their hands sympathetically with each "What to do?" question.

Q.1 There is a monkey menace. What to do?
Q.2 There is a deadly snake in the house. What to do?

how to say? it is hilarious. please go see.

happy noo yeer to all.

tamil nadu forestry department

for your weekend's dose of chuckles please do see the tamil nadu forestry department's site, and once you've recovered from the bilious green, give it your full attention.

Things To Notice:

the location of the indira gandhi sanctuary. (long live blind spell-check corrections!)
a happening new section in the gallery ("accidental deaths" - yes, truly.)
a quiet commentary on the hell their phones have been giving them.

tis a winner even in the world of GOI sites.

*cheering*


my life

n.b.: (note blease.)

dear loyal readers who hang on my every word (and other random riff-raff! hehe) -

the next installment of squiggles may be delayed a short while. the control freak in me will not be denied, and so i'm finally giving in to base urges to be disgustingly well-organised, and am trying to file the posts under vague categories.

of course, if the exercise proves to be too hair-tugful it could well be abandoned in the name of "chaos breeds creativity" and similar excuses. (after all, like my dad maintains, if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, at least baffle 'em with bullshit.)

but until then, note blease and excuse the silence. we're Organising. (sigh. now if only i could make up my mind about the categories..."blah", "scribbles" and "squiggles" d'you think? :D)


my life

abuse of male privilege

i had made a list - a list of the unearnt, undeserved privileges that i have as a well-to-do brahmin woman. i hoped - almost prayed - that some men at least, after reading that, would make a list of the gender-bestowed privileges that they have.

because this is what happens when a man abuses his male privilege and uses it to hurt a woman.

every time some guy says "but i'm a nice guy!" and expects to be trusted implicitly, i want to bury him in the mound of "nice guys" who do hurtful, vicious, unthinkingly dumb things.

no man has ever introduced himself to me, or any woman of my acquaintance, saying "you know what? i'm not a nice guy, i do bad things. so please don't trust me - treat me as an aberration in the world of nice men". pretty much most men consider themselves nice people. "nice men" who happen watch porn, leer at women, "eve tease", or exploit vulnerable women and children sexually.

more than dealing with god, i find that dealing with men is a daily act of faith, with more immediate repercussions if i misjudge. each time i let myself be seen in the company of a man, i know its a risk. i know if anything happens to me, that fact - that i was With A Man - will be the first excuse to humiliate me and pain me further.

men know this almost better than women. the man who abused me was a father of a nice little girl. every father and husband i know has taught his daughter and wife to never trust other men. my own father says every single man is guilty until proven innocent. im sure my husband will, with the same concern for my safety, say the same thing.

women are taught, as a policy decision, to mistrust men, but are expected to make a "personal" exception for every single male who chooses to enter their lives. questioning any man provokes "righteous" anger. a woman is expected to automatically wipe her mental slate clean and start from ignorance all over again.

she is confronted by two choices : compliance or refusal. either way is a hard way.

in compliance, the more she walks away from her lived experience, from all the knowledge that she has developed from first principles, the more the rift between her resolutely rose-tinted world and reality. and reality has a way of catching up and giving you a nasty jar if you try to leave it behind. a woman conscious of the rift rails against the social order that expects her to be such a hypocrite to herself and others. a woman who doesnt perceive the rift eventually falls into a dark painful abyss.

so there is the other option. to refuse to wipe one's mind blank. to face the blaze of anger that will surface each time a man's code is studied. this is a choice that especially most women who have undergone abuse make. to always warn ones self of the danger of trusting blindly. of unquestioningly accepting someone's word about their morality. (oftentimes, not even an open, explicit claim, but an implied one which is much harder to disprove or analyse because of its chimeral nature.)

it is both hurtful and infuriating to repeatedly have to make this tradeoff. and to be judged after being put in a situation that doesnt offer healthy choices in the first place.

were i a man, i guess i would want to crucify each one of my kind who sustained and reaffirmed such a screwed up social system. collective responsibility, while distinct from personal responsibility, has a way of hitting home.

I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

- Ani DiFranco & Tracy Chapman

also posted on sthreeling.


my life , feminist issues, brownskinspeak

undeserved privileges

i've been coming across so much stuff on the issue of unearnt privileges and discrimination.

to put it very briefly, even if i personally do not subscribe to a derogatory caste system and the supremacy of the rich, i still benefit in some ways because these social systems exist. i have privileges that someone else is probably paying the cost of.

im starting this thread with the list of privileges that i see in my life which i have not earnt.

the unearnt privileges of being in the "upwardly mobile" section of society :

1. i've had a complete schooling. it's not expected of me to drop out of school to do the housework or take up a job.

2. it's a very normal, acceptable thing for me to do my masters, maybe even a phd.

3. though a woman, i can wear jeans if i want to, wear my salwars without always adding the dhupatta. and it wont be stomped on as hard by the other people in "my" world.

4. though a woman, i can go out on a social visit and return late in the evening or even in the night.

5. at my age, i dont have to do half the physical labour that a much older but poorer woman has to do.

6. when i'm seeking specialised help for a financial, legal or medical problem, i'm treated with courtesy. the people in charge don't treat me with scant respect because they're doing "Charity".

7. no matter how plainly dressed i am, i can enter virtually any restaurant, pub, hotel, office or shop without being stopped because i dont look like the "right crowd".

8. i can afford to think of taking vacations. of taking a break from work. of reporting sick for a week, without wondering how my children will eat.

9. i actually pay much less than a person living in a rural area for water, electricity, sanitation, medical care, food.

10. i live in a part of town from where hospitals, provision stores, restaurants, and my workplace or educational institution are not horribly far.

11. if i find it too harassing and unsafe, i can better protect my person by choosing to not use public transport.

12. i live in a house where i can turn on the tap to get water enough for my needs, without having to fetch it from miles away.

13. i dont have to stand for hours in a queue, forced to skip work that morning, in order to buy rice and dal for the family.

14. i am aware of my fundamental rights as a human being, and as a citizen of this country. at least in theory, im encouraged to also believe i have a right to demand that these not be violated.

15. if i am in trouble - i have an an asthma attack when im not at home, i know i can confidently approach anyone for help. they wont shun me because i look "dirty" or unkempt. shopkeepers and dhobi wallahs have come running up to check if im fine even before ive asked for help.

16. when i have an accident, the cop generally speaks to me with respect.

17. i studied in an english medium school. i will never be disqualified from getting a job because i dont know english.

18. i can afford to set apart some time and money for exercise if i want to. forget enrolling in a gym or learning yoga - i can set one hour aside to go for a walk.

19. people are quicker to help me when they see me carrying heavy loads.

20. fewer people question my spending on non-essentials to lecture me on my economic priorities.

the unearnt privileges of being an upper caste woman

1. sometimes my maid is upset seeing me do jobs she considers dirty or too strenuous, that however she thinks its ok for her to do.

2. my maid and i subscribe to the same religion. she will never have the access i have to our philosophical treatises or scriptures.

3. my religion as it exists today puts me down for being a woman. but it hails my caste. it belittles her for being a woman and for being from her caste.

4. dowry isnt as big a problem in my caste.

5. my caste encourages us to be educated. i can look at my culture and find backing for the pursuit of knowledge.

6. my culture believes in telling me the reasons for symbolism in my religion. it doesnt order me to blindly obey.

7. i will never be ordered to carry garbage, human wastes, dead bodies or do any such labour because of my caste. i probably wont even have to resort to physical labour of any kind for a living, however poor i am.

8. i can customise my religion to suit me, and gather enough knowledge to defend myself against being branded a heretic if i so wish to.

9. im automatically assumed to know more about some things, for no reason other than belonging to the caste i do.

10. i can trace back my lineage to men who were greatly respected and hailed as spiritually evolved people who contributed significantly to my culture. (but sadly, only men.)

privileges that i have as an upper caste, well-to-do woman:

1. a lot of the freedom that i am deprived of, i can at least dream of fighting for and achieving. my family is progressive, and has the luxury of being able to think about the world at large. to philosophise and choose its way of life for a large part.

2. i can choose to study a course for purely academic interest even though it may not be recognised in the job market. it will not be a severe blow to my parents, or considered a waste of their investing in my schooling.

3. i initiate the woman-to-woman bonding sessions with people from my maid's background. and i am at a definitely superior position right from the start without having done or said anything to earn it - even if the other woman happens to be telling me something i didnt know.

4. i can disagree with my menfolk on nearly any fundamental issue with less potential threat to my person.

5. its easier for me to leave an abusive relationship. i at least know vaguely where i can find help and support. and i really have much less to lose.

6. the concepts of privacy and sexuality exist in my life.


so. what does your list look like?


Related: why undeserved, why unearnt?


brownskinspeak, my life

friends and freeing influences

talking to someone ive gotten to know in recent times has been a singularly life-changing experience. after another evening of absorbing conversation and friendly banter, i was just thinking that something felt different in the way i relate to him (as opposed to my interactions with everyone else). as i drove home, i was musing on why it was so. when i did spot what had changed, it took my breath away.

you see, i have always been an asexual being : non-male, non-female. but now, its the first time in my life that im learning to interact with a man, and allowing my femaleness to exist. you could say that it has been my standard procedure to remove the element of my being female from the arena of interaction. ive always made a very deliberate effort to be perceived as "one of the guys" - i'm sure i dont have to explain that the kind of acceptance that a woman gets like that is very different from when she is first perceived as being a woman.

through school and college from the colours of my clothes to my speech and mannerisms, ive always been uncomfortable with anything that would overtly mark me as "female". without ever really analysing it (criminal of me!), ive subconsciously given men around me to understand that they neednt treat me as a woman. i used to send cues that said "please feel free to discuss gaming and gears, to lounge in faded t shirts, to not open doors for me, to not put on your "posh restaurant" voice for me". it was a not-too-consciously learnt impulse.

as a schoolgirl who was never very interested in mainstream music, bestsellers, movies, love or relationships in addition to being interested in the political, my ability to make small talk with girls who were brought up in the usual, traditionally cramping way was very limited. (though i daresay being a tomboy is just as much a stereotype in its way!) it was never a question of intelligence though, because quite a few of them were toppers and pretty common-sensical. though much better now, i can still feel lost with certain women - for instance ones who are passionate mainly about fashion. thats when i look around for the two girls are who are my best buddies * , one of whom used to regularly bail me out in school! they could do the difficult deal (participate in the general conversation) and the simple one (discuss things which interested me)! :)
*( waves to M. and D.!)

but since of the whole class, there were only these few specimens, i figured i wasnt really cut out for the "proper" girl stuff. plus on the other hand, there were the experiences of being able to listen raptly when dad talked about engines, forgetting time when grandad and i decided to do some handiwork at home (i still love pliers!), having absolutely brilliant memories of childhood from time spent with cousins, all of whom were male excepting my sister and myself.

so you see, i thought that for political conversation i would have to turn mostly to men and that the M.s and D.s were in the minority of women. the trouble with talking to men is that many of 'em clam up if they notice you're Female. many's the time when ive come away feeling cheated because the whole conversation was perfectly mundane when i could listen, but awesome when it was a "guys only" thing. i didnt (and dont) really see why discussing machines, logic, capitalism, economics, literary critiques or art should be impossible in the presence of a woman, but if that was so, i would be non-woman because i was dying for company to toss ideas with. (it went against the grain to try to imitate male behaviour because heck, i felt proud to be a woman.)

and then after the blog, i discovered that guys who started talking to me often either explicitly or implicitly expressed their surprise that a woman could have such strong views and produce some reasoning (how valid or invalid wasnt the question) for having them as well. i know by now that theres nothing exceptional about it; i know several highly intelligent women who are better informed and more well-read. (however we started out in school, we've grown up, thanks very much!) this friend never once expressed surprise at my knowledge or regarded my ignorance as a gender-based given. (S., you too are awesome in this regard!)

it makes a huge difference even in the small things - heck, especially in the small things! i pun a hell of a lot. i find it terrific fun when the other person latches on and comes up with something too. and i rarely run out of steam. of all things, this is evidently one that makes many men insecure : from a friendly exchange it becomes a question of chest thumping, and to be the first to be out of ideas is evidently a Loss Of Face. this friend of mine matches me pun for pun, and doesnt feel insecure if he cant think of another thing to say.

i've also often been grilled in psuedo-scientific spirit about my views, feminism and what feminism's take on something would be, what being brown-skinned means to me, about the issues i raise here, etc. and many times, the questioning takes on an interrogative tone: i seem to be expected to apologise for my existence and for having ever voiced any views! again, i've enjoyed hours of really nice, genuinely open-minded discussions with this friend.

i find that it's a freeing influence on our friendship and on us individually that he's so refreshingly non-stereotyped. that he does not suffer from a compulsive need to be the Macho Male. (he's about the only guy i know who *giggles*. and calls it so himself. that should tell you an awful lot! :D)

it's lovely to spend time with someone who isn't assessing you like you're a prize cucumber, who doesn't suffer from a programmed impulse to flirt with you or put you down because you're female, who can attack your reasoning with total detachment and judge you as a person, not as a gender role being played out. i find it awesome to have the freedom to be able to just say anything i think, no baggage attached. it's a great big gulp of fresh air!

i daresay there are many more folks like my friend out there : i've a handful of very good male friends like him, though sadly i've not met all of them as yet. may your tribe increase! - its been terrific knowing you :)


feminist issues, my life

between you and me - bloggers and gender politics

my earlier post was on the right to space. now id like to raise some issues with regard to bloggers and gender politics.

in fairness to them, most folks who uphold these politics dont really do so deliberately or consciously - i find most dont see these angles at all. but ignorance isnt much of an excuse, and whether we well-meaningly or misogynistically uphold the patriarchal structure, we are responsible in varying degrees for the damage it causes.

as i see it, these are some of the politics involved:

its part of pecking order privileges that the ones in a superior position may demand things of the ones beneath them. as far as i'm concerned, i can be requested to tell someone my name, my phone number, where i live or what i do; but i am not beholden in anyway to necessarily comply with that request. im not a subordinate in the army to jump to obey commands.

women are made to account for themselves all the time in our society. we are expected to justify our actions. not everyone needs, or merits, an explanation. we are entitled to independence without having to keep anxiously and pre-emptively patting egos to make sure that our bid for non-dependency doesnt wound some male who considers himself in authority. its part of the same mentality that demands an activity report from an adult woman who goes out in the evening, while not concerning itself with a teenage boy who stays out all night.

ive had both men and women write to me, and while there were some men who were very decent about respecting the space i politely asked for, the women were a much easier lot to deal with: only one has so far even asked me for personal details, let alone demanded it.

the deep need to defend my space like this is because i can often say and discuss things here that i cannot in real life. i also hate explaining obvious things like "feminism isn't about male bashing" ad nauseam; something i find i have to do all too often if i start these discussions with people in real life. there's a limit to which im ready to shake people around me from their conditioning. i respect their need to set their own pace to work on beliefs and ideas that they were raised with. but i need to give voice to some things that are important to me. since a lot of these are issues that concern me as a woman, doing that is very difficult in a strongly patriarchal society. look around you: how many seriously political indian blogs do you see? how many of these by women? a truly free political arena is hard to come by especially for women.

safety is another of my concerns. a very real one. as soon as i was abused, one of the threats used was that the abuser knew where i lived. i have a mother and sister who mean the world to me. those three months weren't exactly fun to live through.

the world of men told me that it could get this sick. ive written earlier about trust. no, i dont think every man i meet is that horrible, but rather than get defensive and feel hurt that i dont trust you implicitly like i should because you're decent, how about honestly admitting that its the other men who have been creeps who are to blame, and not the women who are suspicious with good reason! im not a schizophrenic or an amnesiac to walk away from my lived experience. i will use all my knowledge of the world to protect myself.

and finally, if you really want to know who i am, you learn more from what i write here or in my mails than by just knowing my name. when i call myself a feminist, anti-technocrat, or anti-establishmentarian, you know more about me than if i just said i were malavika. i could be one of a million malavikas. (and no that isnt my name!) possibly the only unique identification by name would be if i gave a whole name. even then, it doesnt tell you who i am, it just insists on information that would serve only to make me traceable. why wouldnt i be wary!

it may all seem very paranoid at first, but look at the statistics of the violence committed against women: we do live in that unsafe a world.

im so glad that ive managed to stay angry for long enough to say all this! i'm happy that i've managed to keep the resolve to not be manipulated into feeling bad, into tripping over myself to be the pacifist and soothing hurt pride - its time we all grew up. i thought and read a lot about this subject before finding the resolution to be able to speak up: i mainly found clarity reading things that mr schwyzer and the happy feminist had to say. its terrific to come across people who are as clear and precise in word as in thought.

feminist issues, my life

the game of the name

every now and then someone pops up in my inbox to say hi. to say "this is my take on what you've written". or maybe "thought this link was up your alley". or sometimes to find out where i am and what im upto, or maybe even something personal from their lives. (of course i get my share of hate mails as well for saying some things - typically like the wikipedia affair!)

for the most part, it warms my heart. i think its very sweet of them to take the effort. we start swapping mails arguing about something, bouncing ideas around, eventually just talking and becoming friends. im really glad to have met some of them : they make my world an infinitely more interesting, more alive place.

especially since instant messaging, and google hooking up all its services, the dynamics of interaction have changed so much - when we talk, we talk like we already know each other, not as the random strangers we are. its very nice that we dont have to do the initial polite conversation dance, and that we each (usually) have a reasonably good idea of the essence of the person after having read their blog.

recently i had a misunderstanding with someone who came to know my name, and was very hurt that it wasnt from me. so i got to thinking about this huge hang-up with names that so many people seem to have.

i've not met many of you. while i refuse to share the intelligence agency belief that all criminals use blogger, gtalk and gmail, i am a little wary about my privacy and how much information i disclose! that should be obvious from (if nothing else!) the fact that i post as "m.", that i dont ever put up a photograph of myself here.

i think we've each a right to that - a right to the degree of anonymity we are comfortable maintaining, the walls we operate from behind, the sort of details to tell and to withhold. i dont mind being asked my name directly - several people have. i just mind their regarding it as their prerogative to be told even when ive explained that id rather not. its a comfort thing really, and is no reflection on the person's decency, manners or anything of the sort.

however this whole thing has started me thinking on the politics of the thing. another post follows shortly here.



my life

basement feelings

i use the expression "basement feelings" to refer to the emotions and feelings we have, which are the not-so-glorious ones. the ones we dont sing praises of people of for experiencing -like envy, murderous anger, depression, gloom...

it used to make me uneasy when people denied the existence of an emotion altogether, but i guess its an understandable reaction given the kind of baggage that we attach to some of them. there are so many implicit moral judgements passed on a person when they confess to experiencing something like jealousy, envy or sexual desire.

my personal take on it is that its futile, crippling and sometimes dangerous to deny the existence of what we feel. these basement feelings are as much a part of the human experience as happiness, love, idealism or altruism. its important to give them too space to exist. real maturity isnt in censoring them as much as in responding to them appropriately.

mind, im not saying we should glorify 'em the way ayn rand has made selfishness fashionable! but it is important to be able to admit to ourselves that we're feeling greedy without getting defensive - its the first step towards control or correction. denial only makes it another of the Things That Mustn't Be Talked About, and causes damage to the individual and society at large.

also, our ideas of "good" and "bad" are often as stereotyped as what's "progressive" or "cool". additionally, these often get reinforced or tangled with acquired cultural and religious beliefs, so reworking them becomes more challenging, and in the process can cause a spiritual or moral crisis. (for instance, as a kid i used to be very strong on the "sex is wrong" notion - and it certainly didnt help to hear politically loaded mainstream religion. i felt like a moral write-off when i was working my way to accepting sex.) however if we dont, we end up being pretty narrow minded and limited in our tolerance of people (which i certainly was). there's also a lot of unconstructive self flagellation.

in fact, the most mature and most compassionate people i know are all ones who are in touch with their "basement feelings". they are honest about having felt whatever it was and as a result, rarely morally crucify other people.

i know some folks regard dealing with basement feelings with the same distaste as they would dabbling in ditch water. sure it can turn out that dirty a job, but its critical to do it: for one thing, its gives one a fair idea of what one really is. and for another, if we didnt have bathroom cleaners the world would be a bloody filthy place, so i wouldnt ever look down on someone digging into their muck heap! its as much a part of personal hygiene as anything else.

an afterthought:

i was chewing over this subject some more today, and was reminded of something that used to bother me when i was working as a counsellor. its merely something i observed in my limited environment:

as counsellors, in training we we're all told that we shouldnt have any biases, shouldnt let our personal attitudes carry over to the counselling sessions etc. impeccable in theory i suppose, but it just isnt realistic an expectation in practice.

for one thing, we worked with terminally ill people. often, they wanted to talk about religion, death, the soul, god, karma, forgiveness, and other philosophical issues - things that really had no textbook answers. we each tended to naturally draw on our own belief systems and culture to share those ideas which we found comfort and solace in.

at times we also broke the "ideal practice" guideline of never bringing up personal experience - sometimes it helps to know what another person in that situation did. it could be for a simple thing like how you managed to make spinach more edible for yourself when you loathed it but had to eat it, or for something like coping with the loss of a loved one.

i noticed that many of us used to actually believe that because we were so earnest about doing our jobs properly, we also had managed to overcome all our prejudices and hang-ups. in my opinion, its not possible without the person also becoming a doormat of sorts!

its critical for counsellors to be able to honestly acknowledge an emotion or prejudice without getting defensive. as long as these do not greatly hamper the counsellors ability to deal with people in that particular field, the counsellor may still be fit for the job. (eg. being anti-allopathy when counselling primarily for sexuality issues.)

it takes a great deal of personal strength to say "i'm afraid i'm not comfortable dealing with this particular issue, but i'll try and find another person who is". a counsellor faces a special kind of pressure as a person who has to live upto a stereotype of whom infinite patience, tolerance and acceptance is both demanded and taken for granted. the counselling would be valuable and more sincere if on a personal level we did some regular basement checking and spring cleaning.



my life

to minus infinity and back

('ware and be warned: this is highly academic people - watching! i'm thinking aloud again.)

someone is down in the dumps about the state of things in his/her life. too many problems, too few solutions, not much in their control. they decide to immerse themselves in something else with far greater problems in order to acquire a sense of perspective about their own life.

the "other thing" to be involved in must be picked carefully, you understand... it should be miserable enough to help relegate one's own troubles to the background - preferably a life with so many more complex problems than ours, so that that sense of infinity is stronger: the expanse of the scale of misery should be sufficiently long to make light our troubles.

but at the same time, we should not be able to relate to the misery we see. it shouldn't be personally relevant. there should be nothing that will draw that misery too close to us, because that would only swamp us again in despair and not help inculcate a sense of perspective.

so we well-off people volunteer in non-profit work for that week or two. we with loving families visit an orphanage. we with fine, healthy bodies spend time with the disabled. the highly well-read spend time with those who have not had the privilege of education...

i daresay quite a few of you have come across this phenomenon. it puzzles me. these aren't people who are doing the pity thing. these aren't people who get some perverted pleasure from others' pain or misery. they're most of 'em seemingly normal, nice people. and there are so many!

what kind of conditioning have we undergone that so many of us find it so hard in times of misery, to think of happy things? to think of all the moments of absolute happiness, the simple gladness to be alive that we have felt ourselves on other days? why can we not draw perspective for our troubles from the plus infinity side? i'm sure it makes zero equally small and transitory (if not more effectively) when seen from plus infinity as from minus infinity. when seen from how good life can be, as when seen from how awful life can be.

the focus is always on how bad life can be.

we seem to think we are all fundamentally miserable creatures, that we must needs forever chase happiness - an ephemeral elusive concept. we have the belief so deeply ingrained in us that even many intellectuals - maybe them more than anyone else - get bogged down in minus infinity and think the most profound thought comes from misery. (or dyou think it was some logic along the lines of "look, we have it, let's at least glorify it"?! :D)

it again smacks of consumerist culture brainwashing to me. why would you kill yourself trying to earn for that sleek car or hitech gadget if it weren't for the hope of happiness to be found in owning it? the markets wouldn't survive if they couldn't slave-drive us thus. who would bother with hair straighteners, fairness creams and trips to the moon if they were perfectly contented, already happy beings in love with life?!

scotty, i think we're being suckered here!



my life

the dignity of labour

"You! Take this file upstairs to accounts."
"Hey! - Bring me another one."
"That's all. You can bring the cheque."
"I need this serviced."
"What the f--- d'you mean you can't let me in in these shoes?!"

This is the age of the consumer alright - the one with the manners of a pig. There is already a dignity in labour. We just happen to strip it away from the worker when we treat him/her like dirt.

A person's dignity has two facets: recognition by self and recognition by others. When we refuse to treat people decently because we happen to be the ones "in power" we're the ones robbing the job of dignity - not the waiters, sweepers, peons, bathroom cleaners or maids themselves.

Isn't it interesting that it's the same demeaning tactic we use to put down women? Society is often consistently barbaric!



my life, brownskinspeak

arbit blah 6

i go to a school of music to learn classical guitaring. however most of the other folks who come there come to learn to play the keyboard. now some of these, are very young children - 4/5 years old.

so each time a very small kiddy comes, and the pally greetings have been exchanged, the teacher (who evidently has a deadly sense of humour) asks 'em in a grave Jeeves-ian manner whether they'd like one chair or two. the wee un considers and chooses, clambers onto the little throne, and plinks away the next one hour, happily swinging its legs!

most chuckle-some!


my life

the chameleon's clothing

my family talks a lot - about any and every thing. seriously, im a little hard pressed to come up with a topic that would be considered so taboo as to be excluded from our discussions! and im extremely glad that we are so open with each other.

recently in one of our addas, we got to discussing a farce that's played out every weekend at a huge clothes shop nearby. high-school kids upwards, droves of women come with boyfriends or in giggling gaggles to this place. they all enter conventionally dressed (the debate really took off when a relative said "modestly, decently dressed"!) and leave wearing the hip-est, tiniest clothes. since the place is open really late, they go on their outings, stop by again later, change back and then head home.

i know for a fact that most of my peers do not talk to their parents about a lot of things they do. its not because they are simply uncommunicative, but specifically because they will be refused permission, and even refused a hearing or reasonable discussion. i think that's where the real trouble lies.

naturally ideas change as we live through myriad experiences, but i think by around 25, we each would have evolved a way of understanding and analysing the world around us. whether with respect to abstractions like "society" and "morals" or more concrete subjects like what to study and whom to marry, we have in place the foundations of our personal politics. for some of us, this structure hardly changes in adulthood from the ready-made one handed to us by our parents for our youth. for the rest, there's some serious revamping if not absolute demolition and rebuilding!

i am very interested in personal politics and so deliberately discuss 'em with quite a few folks. i find more and more, that some fundamental ideas seemed to have radically changed from my parents generation to mine. not rocket science, is it? it is but natural that ideas of the young and the old should be different. it happens with every generation. i think the need for communication between us assumes all the more importance then. a lot of stuff could be (and is) brushed aside as just the "generation gap".

i regard that cliched business with growing unease. frankly, i think it is becoming a collective stereotype - in its name we're discounting a little too much too easily! as a society, each day we are accepting more things as "normal" with growing unthinking complacency. we have normalised violence against and abuse of the vulnerable, accepted sexualising our children, yawned away murders and wars... basically accepted bullshit with bovine indifference.

but all that isnt new again - each generation has been born into a dirtier world, so relatively speaking, youthful rejection of the corruption of ideals has been a given. yes, there has always been the majority that has suffered angst and then outgrown it (like pimples) to form the staple of our social structures, while the minority railed on in frustration all their lives. so yes, im perfectly willing to listen politely when im told by an elder person "i was like you when i was young and then i grew up and learnt that this is how things are".

bully for them.

but that doesn't mean that young people have to subvert their right - and responsibility - to think for themselves! for one thing, i frankly think that even a jaded or very cynical attitude is perfectly alright in adulthood, if the person has arrived at it after having lived with fresh and pure ideals in youth. (if you dont have fire when you're young, whats the point in being alive?!) if after all the raging against the dying of the light you're tired and burnt out, who with any compassion can deny you your cynicism?

i have a deep respect for people like my mother - she has some pretty old fashioned ideas about conduct, ethics, society and societal responsibility and so on, and does she live by them! i admire her integrity: if she scorns modern morals, she doesnt on the side play by dirty modern rules because they're easier. if she doesnt think much of the way we're handling familial responsibility, she quietly bears the yoke of her more demanding code.

ive seen too many people forbidding their womenfolk to wear "revealing", "indecent" clothes but then heartily admiring heroines in movies who are nearly nude. what message are we sending younger people? too many adults complaining about the lack of patriotism in the younger generation, and then bullying them towards careers in foreign multinational companies. or in a different tone, trail-blazing parents, who've slaved for their family's prosperity and taken several risks, refusing to let their children choose anything less the most conventional, mainstream lifestyles! our society is quite hypocritical.

many of my contemporaries have thought long and hard about how they will bring up their children. i know i will expect mine to question economic imperialism, gender roles, first world and skin colour politics, to be socially aware. who is to say that some of our confines are not because of our parents' ideals? - they probably are!

rather than blind obedience, i think understanding the rational foundations of ideals is more constructive. for instance, while i may respect my parents' experience, their wish to shield me and do what they think's best for me, i would also reserve the right to re-examine and change politics. the world (well, at least india!) has suddenly changed so drastically in the last few years, and the pace is only increasing. children are thrust into a very "adult" world with "adult" problems, and hardly have a proper, complete childhood.

i look at the kids currently in school, and already i can't relate to their lives at all. my generation certainly led much less complicated lives in some ways. children are exposed to sex, alcohol, violence, substance abuse, status pressures by a more powerful media at a much earlier age.

its to be expected that some coping measures would have also become outdated. i cannot imagine enforcing my rules upon them because my generations experience is vastly different. i can however explain the situations i've encountered and how and what i learnt, but i don't think it would be right to order them to live by my experience.

for example, in my parents time it may have been good parenting to try to shield the child from abuse. i think now however, the danger has escalated to a degree where not discussing the issue with the child is positively a disservice - i want to teach my child that such a thing exists, and more importantly, self protection and how to cope with it if it does happen.

i think we will be able to deal with issues with like that (or the standard bug bear - sex education!) only if we do question and try to work out the reasons why. some situations are unique and are fabulous learning opportunities, but much of what is set down for us to follow is based on the conclusions drawn by the person who was in that situation. it may help to know the end result, but the process is of more use. so yes, it may seem like we're questioning a lot of things and being rebellious, but its critical that we do so.

this can either be met with hostility, contempt and/or indifference by the adult world - in which case we would be alienated from it - or the adult world can use its wisdom to teach young people the important questions to ask, teach them how to build thought structures.

of course it is demanding a lot from adults. for one thing that they'll be secure enough to admit that they may have made mistakes, to concede wisdom to youth as well (something that our culture emphatically does not do). it takes much courage to do so especially if the person is a figure of authority like a parent - there is great pressure on parents to be all-knowing and perfect. and yes, it also requires that we (the younger people) be less brash, less brutally contemptuous or dismissive of seeming irrationality, and of course, much patience!

but i think it may be worth the effort, because otherwise, like those folks at the clothes store, we'll have to keep changing skins. we'll continue leading double lives, never really knowing the other person despite living with them and (ostensibly) being close to them. and that, doesn't make for a very genuine relationship, does it?

i'm reminded of a lovely CSNY song written by Graham Nash.

Teach your children

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

my life, brownskinspeak