Saturday, March 18, 2006

thinking aloud about BNP

be warned, this is stream of questionable consciousness writing because im thinking aloud here! :D

what i heard being said amidst the blank noise

"i feel so much better knowing that i'm not the only one"
"oh my god! it happened to you too?"
"our experiences are so similar"
"i could relate to every word.."
"suddenly, every woman i know seems to have been through this"

is there a doubt? of course it happens to almost every one of us. yes, the world can be (and often is) that unsafe and vicious a place.

we are taught to dismiss it. these things arent to be discussed. arent worth spending time on to think about.
"this is the first time i'm saying this"
"i've never spoken about this before"
" something that i've never forgotten about though i've discussed it with anyone"
disassociate. treat it in a third person context. philosophise as a coping measure: "it happens. thats the way life is". "so im stronger for the knocks ive taken". you amputate any emotion that reminds you just how personal it all is. but then it happens again, only, to someone else this time. and then we allow ourselves to acknowledge the fury.
"i felt so furious reading that"
"god! i could kill him for doing that to you"
"that creep!"
when it happens to somebody else its easier to be furious?


maybe, to acknowledge that our society is filthy, unfair, and our social systems hurtful and wrong is easier in the third person. because if you start feeling angry about what happened to you, you get commit yourself and get too emotionally involved in a problem without a foreseeable remedy. you run up against massive elements which are beyond your control, so your anger is frustrated from seeking a constructive outlet. and you cannot live daily with a growing anger that has no release.

so .... shut out what you face from your reality, and try to continue with life.

the more we willingly accept the divorce between reality and personal experience, the easier it is for the social dictates to be imposed. for it to be imposed that women should be cut off from their experiences. they mustnt speak about them, mustnt have changed for them - you cannot be an angry woman, even if youve been attacked. you cannot be hostile or aggressive. must continue to be meek and docile.

who would not be irrational if they had to reject everything their own minds told them, to accept an arbitrary external authority? of course it doesnt make for logical thinking. "women are illogical". because we teach them to be so.

i feel a new surge of gratitude to the articulate, courageous and clear-sighted feminist authors. much of their literature is about speaking about these amputated, quarantined issues. because they too often couldnt say "i" and "my" they used a third person medium of a highly complex, very real character to give voice to the women of that era. we hear our silenced stifled thoughts in those stories.

the right to independent thought and reasoning needs to be fiercely guarded and treasured.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

No reason for putting this here. (Its such a pleasure to not need a REASON) Feel free to delete..! Just wanted you read these lines from Blake's Auguries of Innocence

Each outcry of the hunted hare a fibre from the brain does tear.
A skylark wounded in the wing, a Cherubim does cease to sing.


To see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in a hour.

12:42 am  
Blogger Camouflaged Being said...

I suppose, it was the easiest option to bare it all, without drawing too much attention. It's no different than a squeak, really, but mentally it makes a difference when you air it out.

We all have bad experiences, but they are sligthly better once we speak out about them. They are easy to tolerate and live with.


3:29 am  
Blogger m. said...

thank you "anon".

the east street: not precisely what i was driving at, but yeah, i guess that too.

9:08 pm  
Blogger S. said...

Its not so much that we find it easy to feel furious when its a wrong against someone else,as the fact that it is then a group. It is difficult and very daunting to stand up against something by yourself. You see a bunch of other people going through the same thing, you feel like a group and then its easier to voice the fury you felt/feel. But thats really how far it goes. To take it further and make a change, we need bigger and more socially active groups that work consciously toward this. Most of the time, it is easy to forget and move on rather than seethe inside and find yourself incapable of doing anything about it. Unfortunately, thse experiences get forgotten so much that they don't come to mind even when we have our own children. We forget that they are being conditioned by the same patriarchy that hurt us so. Times are changing they say, hopefully this change will be reflected in how parents talk to children about their bodies, about sexuality and about respecting another human being. But again, it has to be in the parent's sensibility before it can be passed on to the child!!

the right to independent thought and reasoning needs to be fiercely guarded and treasured.
amen to that

10:00 am  
Blogger oof ya! said...

m. i have what could possibly the stupidest question in the world. i want to list you in the links section of my blog but i am so new to blogspot, i still haven't figured out how!! can you tell me? thanks!

2:34 am  
Blogger m. said...

s. : HEY! :) point taken. easier when community roar can happen, true enough. but how about those times we are meek and back down for ourselves, but roar like lions for other people? i was questioning specifically that.

amen to the improved parenting ideas - and always remember im godmother to the kids! :D

oof ya!: lol, thanks, and i hope that garbled account helped!

9:02 am  

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